I found out about this contest, hosted by Sharon Bayliss to celebrate the release of Wilde’s Fire, a bit late.
Fire and Earth query:
Now that she’s lost it and gone berserk, seventeen-year-old Casora is doubly cursed and there’s no going back.
Born with the mark of the berserker, she’s been sent away to learn war craft. Those skills are no use when her home is invaded while she’s far away. She turns mercenary, leading a band of teenage warriors looking for the chance to avenge themselves on the marauders.
What she really wants is to find a cure for the curse so she can go home. When she prays for an answer, she’s told to rescue the youngest prince to find what she needs.
Tiaran, third prince of a neighboring kingdom, is considered more a scholar than a warrior, but he’s determined to fight for his home. When the raiders attack, he’s trapped on the wrong side of the city walls. Casora and her band are sent to rescue him. With the capital city now besieged, there’s no option but to keep him with them and teach him to be a warrior.
But Tiaran has something to teach them, too. It’s just possible that Tiaran and Casora may be the answer to each others’ prayers.
FIRE AND EARTH is a 76,000-word young adult fantasy. Readers who liked Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING will enjoy FIRE AND EARTH.
Fire and Earth first 500 words:
Casora paused on her way to the mess tent to watch Marcian and Derian sparring with blunted swords on the practice field. Another girl might have watched Derian. He was more handsome, but Casora only had eyes for Marcian. Anyone less familiar with him might not expect so much grace or speed in such a muscular young man. Marcian was one of the best of the Deathless. Better, he was hers or would be when they were free of their obligatory service. She wished her duties were still uncomplicated enough to allow her time to spar with him–in lieu of other things.
While she was at it, she might as well wish that she was like her twin sister. Grita was lucky. She could marry whoever and whenever she chose. Having been born free of the Curse, Grita wasn’t required to be a warrior. Casora and Marcian would have to wait until their duty permitted more.
A horn blast interrupted her thoughts. At the cry of “Riders coming,” she turned and dashed to her post. Duty first.
From her desk at the front of the command tent, Casora watched the large group of riders approaching. She wore the regulation leathers and enough of her armor to disguise her slender body. By reflex, she reached for her helmet to hide her face as well. No outsider ever saw the face of a Deathless.
The tent stood on a little rise overlooking the camp, where the flag bearing a circle of seven stars on a dark blue field could be seen for miles around. It was also above most of the mud, although the smell of wet earth, damp horses, and manure still reached her on the stiff breeze that whipped the flag above her.
The rise gave Casora a good view of anyone arriving at the camp long before they reached her. More than enough time to note that these riders were all redheads, not a common hair color outside of Astraea. Casora grinned and set her helmet back on the corner of the desk. They were replacements. No need to hide her face from them. They were about to become Deathless themselves and they wouldn’t be shocked to find that the second in command of the famous war band was a girl only a couple of years older than they were.
As the riders made their way down the central road, between the orderly rows of tents, she took note of their condition and readiness. The horses looked good. Someone had thought to stop and groom them before riding in. Very shortly before, by appearances, since the mud from the recent rains didn’t rise above their fetlocks. The riders’ spears had been polished and sharpened, too. Replacements usually tried to make a good impression.
The effect was spoiled by the ease of the riders and their ragged line, strung out like a hunting party. And the shiny weapons were held too loosely. In a skirmish, they’d be overwhelmed before they could get those spears into position.
Morning ( from NZ ). Thanks for your feedback on my entry.
Okay, I LOVED your query, I thought it was very well written and a book that I would love to read. Your first 500 were great too, however I found I wanted the riders to ‘arrive’ already 🙂 But that’s just books these days forcing action. Overall I would read your work 🙂 (Oh, and I love the names of your characters.)
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Thanks.
Hmm. This one needs the reader to get a chance to care about the character before the action starts or it won’t have the necessary impact. Could be I could cut some more, though.
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Read your post a bit late for me-don’t have a YA novel ready to go anyway- but you did a good job. The query etc. deserves something good.
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Thanks. Here’s hoping.
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Query:
-“Born with the mark of the Berserker…” This seems like a more powerful opening segment.
– I think the first 3 paragraphs need to be a bit more direct, and the ideas need to be blended and connected a bit better. (The description of Tiaran and his role flows much better.)
– Explain exactly what the curse of the Berserker means.
For the first 500 words:
– Establish something right off to draw the reader in – a connection to Casora and/or her cause, or action to keep the reader engaged to find out more.
– I didn’t think we need so much detail on the flag, or the mud, or the horses yet. Give the readers a reason to care about these things first.
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Hmm. Good points. Thanks.
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I really enjoyed reading your entry. Strong query! I also really liked the opening paragraph. Drew me right in. The twin sister being so different from her is clever. Good luck to you in the contest!
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Thanks. Good luck to you, too.
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This looks pretty interesting. I just had a question about the 1st line in your query. When you say she’s lost it, do you mean her mind? If so, you might want to consider simply stating it. I agreed with a couple of comments up. Starting it the way she suggested is more gripping! Good luck on the contest 🙂
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Well, in a way. She truly does become a berserker.
Good luck to you, too.
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I liked the line, “the mark of the berserker.” You sure that wouldn’t be a better title. 🙂
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Well, it’s one I never considered. Then again, Casora is Fire and Tiaran is Earth, so I think that title fits pretty well. 🙂
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Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting on my entry 🙂
A YA story about a berserker is definitely fresh and interesting! I wonder if you’ve read Piers Anthony’s take on berserkers (Wielding a Red Sword)? Back to your story though…
The query should be kept to one POV, imo, even if your story has alternating POVs. Also, the stakes weren’t there for me – Casora wants to find the cure so she can go home. So, if she doesn’t find the cure, she can’t go home. That doesn’t sound like such a big deal to me so the query either needs to explicitly say why not being able to go home is such a big deal or introduce additional (higher) stakes. Also, the first sentence says that Casora is doubly cursed – I get one of the curses – being a berserker – but what’s the other one? And, this sentence says that “there’s no going back” so I have to wonder, what makes her think there’s a cure? Is there a way to go back, or not? Finally, the last two sentences could be combined into one, “FIRE AND EARTH is a….fantasy which will appeal to readers who enjoyed Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING.”
Hope that helps and best of luck in the contest 🙂
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Thanks. Good points, both. I’ll have to consider how to show the stakes more effectively.
Yes, I red Wielding a Red Sword, but it’s been quite a while ago.
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Sounds interesting and I love the idea of a band of warrior teens. The query and first 500 were well written. I don’t have much to add except I was looking for the hook in the first 500, just because that’s the part that has to get by the editor. I would perhaps cut back on some of the description, things we don’t need to know yet and put in some action or tension. I did enjoy it and I’d read on. I love strong female protagonists:)
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Thanks. I love strong female characters, too. 🙂
Hmm. Maybe I could shift it so that it’s Casora sparring with Marcian. I’ll have to think about that.
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I would keep reading! I loved her tough voice and what she’s up against, nicely done! Good luck 🙂
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Thanks. Voice is always a great thing to hear.
Good luck to you, too.
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Yay, glad you’re joining in for this contest, Meredith!
On the query: I like your opening line, but it almost seems too fun for the tone of the rest of the query. Also, you use “she” a lot in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.
I enjoyed your first 500 words, but it should be an exclamation point in “Riders coming!” rather than a comma.
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Thanks. I do try to avoid exclamation points. Maybe too hard.
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Looks like I don’t have much to add after everyone’s comments . . . except great job:) Thanks for your comments on my blog–I’m learning so much from everyone~cheers!
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Thanks and you’re welcome. 🙂
The critiques are often the best part of a contest like this. Whoever wins the prize, we all win with some new insights.
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Hey Meredith!
Any book that can call someone a berserker is my kind of book. I was drawn in and would keep reading:)
Good luck!
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Thanks Deana. I guess you missed this one when the Pied Pipers read it last year. 🙂
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I definitely enjoyed this. I tend to disagree with advice to start with a bang or get to the action as I’ve been told multiple times by editors and agents that they want to care about the character first, so I think what you have is just right.
Good luck!
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Thanks. Yes, the point is definitely to make the reader care about Casora before everything goes horribly wrong. I still might play with having her spar with Marcian rather than just watch, though. That little bit of action wouldn’t hurt.
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Great premise! I love the Born with the mark of the Berserker line and wonder if that would make a better opening for the query. Good luck!
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Hmm. I really like that first line, but sometimes you have to kill your darlings. I’m thinking that over.
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I love the “Born with the mark of the Berserker” line, too! Good luck tomorrow!
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Good luck to you, too.
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Hey Meredith, I must agree with Jade Hart and Felicia and Lady Gwen, who also found it a little slow, I’m afraid I like something to happen in the beginning of a book to spark my interest and hook me to read further. But the premise is interesting.
Berserker’s need to go berserk! Good luck!
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Thanks.
The story really requires a little space to set up the reason Casora goes berserk. However, I’m going to try starting with a sparring match between Casora and Marcian, rather than just have her watching. It may even foreshadow what happens in the battle at the climax, if I work it right. 🙂
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