Well, since I completely forgot to even try to enter the Pitch Polish portion of Gearing Up to Get an Agent, I did the next best thing and signed up for the blog hop. Actually, this may work out just as well.
My revisions to MAGE STORM have been delayed. (I’m withing smelling distance of “The End on my WIP, and I’m not going to slow down now.) Therefore, by default, I’ve chosen my other completed work, FIRE AND EARTH, for the pitch polish.
Query:
Thanks for the feedback so far. Here’s a revised version:
Seventeen-year-old Casora loses her battle against the berserker curse she was born with when her country is invaded. The curse turns her into an unstoppable warrior, but that’s no use to her people when she must be exiled for the ferocious temper that goes along with it. She turns mercenary while searching for a way to tame the berserker and go home. Hope comes in an unexpected form when she’s sent to rescue the scholarly Prince Tiaran from the same marauders that vanquished her home.
The rescue leaves them stranded on the wrong side of the city walls by the besieging army. Now they–and Casora’s mercenary band–are the only ones in a position to stop the invaders. With Tiaran’s special knowledge of the enemy, they devise a plan to stop their common enemy by taking out the warrior-king who seems bent on conquering their world.
A battle against the odds isn’t the only thing Casora has to deal with. It’s become much more personal than defeating the enemy or freeing her people. Tiaran is the only one who’s ever called her curse a blessing or been able to calm her berserker rage. If she has a prayer of finding the serenity to conquer her curse, Casora must decide if she can believe that there’s any future for a battle-scarred warrior and a prince.
FIRE AND EARTH is a 77,000-word young adult fantasy. Readers who liked Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING will enjoy FIRE AND EARTH.
Thank you for your time.
When her country is invaded, seventeen-year-old Casora loses her battle against the berserker curse she was born with. The curse turns her into an unstoppable warrior, but that’s no use to her family when she must be exiled for the ferocious temper that goes along with it. She turns mercenary while searching for a way to tame the berserker. Hope comes in an unexpected form when she’s sent to rescue the scholarly Prince Tiaran.The rescue leaves them stranded on the wrong side of the city walls by the besieging army. Now they–and Casora’s mercenary band–are the only ones in a position to stop the invaders. Casora teaches Tiaran how to fight. His special knowledge of the enemy allows them to devise a plan that just might work.
Even with Tiaran’s plan, the odds will be against them, but the situation becomes still more complicated for Casora. Now it’s more personal than defeating the enemy or freeing her people. Tiaran is the only one who’s ever called her curse a blessing or been able to calm her berserker rage. If she has a prayer of finding the serenity to conquer her curse, Casora must decide if she can believe that there’s any future for a battle-scarred warrior and a prince.
FIRE AND EARTH is a 77,000-word young adult fantasy. Readers who liked Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING will enjoy FIRE AND EARTH.
Thank you for your time.
First 150 words (more or less):
Casora stepped into the practice circle and grinned as she saluted her opponent. The sword was not her best weapon, but the chance to spar with Marcian was too good to pass up. The only sanctioned time they could touch at all was during such training duels. Oh, they could hold hands occasionally, but anything more would have to wait until they’d completed their required service in the war band known as the Deathless.
Of course, there wouldn’t be much chance to touch in a sword match, either. On the other hand, if she disarmed him, he could turn it into a wrestling match. He’d win, of course. Her speed and agility wouldn’t be much use against his size and strength in that kind of fight, but there’d be plenty of touching. Every inch of her skin tingled just at the thought.
Marcian returned her salute and took up his stance, giving her the first move.
Okay, so that’s 156 words. I went to the end of the sentence.
Bring on the critiques and I’ll return the favor.
I thought you did a really great job with this. I honestly don’t have much of a critique. Your first 150 were dead on. The only thing that caught me a little off guard about the query was:
The rescue leaves them stranded on the wrong side of the city walls by the besieging army. Now they–and Casora’s mercenary band–are the only ones in a position to stop the invaders.
It jumped from rescuing Tiaran (love the names btw) to a besieging army of invaders and them being the only hope. I had no idea there were invaders, so I was thrown for a loop for a minute. I think we needed a little more lead in to that. Maybe something like:
Hope comes in an unexpected form when an army invades the city and Casora is sent to rescue the scholarly Prince Tiaran.
And…that’s it. Helpful, huh? haha. Sorry, but it’s a compliment, truly! I think you did a really great job on this. I love the idea of a girl with a temper she can’t control and this guy who is the only one who can calm her down. That’s awesome.
Btw, it’s nice to meet you. 🙂 I missed your GUTGAA meet and greet, but I’ve been trying to visit a lot of the blogs on the blog hop. I actually got so inspired by all the great blogs I’ve been seeing that I started my own on Wed. I’d love it if you’d stop by and check out my pitch! Thanks. Good luck with GUTGAA, I think you should do really well with this!
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Thanks. I’ll look at that. You know, one of the things about queries is that you end up redoing them so many times, you can’t see things like that anymore.
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Hi, I’m a fellow GUTGAA bloghopper. I like both the query and the first 150. Maybe just combine the sentences about her teaching the prince to fight and him devising a plan. I feel like it would flow better. An interesting premise! Good luck!
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Hmm I love the opening of the 150 words. It’s such a spin on the classic opening fight seen. I love it.
The query is awesome too. The only thing that sort of lost my focus was the last little sentence. I wasn’t sure how their future had to do with her curse. I get a sense that there are some high stakes in that sentence, I just don’t feel them.
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When her country is invaded, seventeen-year-old Casora loses her battle against the berserker curse she was born with. The curse turns her into an unstoppable warrior, but that’s no use to her family when she must be exiled for the ferocious temper that goes along with it. She turns mercenary while searching for a way to tame the berserker. Hope comes in an unexpected form when she’s sent to rescue the scholarly Prince Tiaran. YOU’LL NEED TO WORK ON THIS PARAGRAPH. IT READS LIKE A BUNCH OF DISJOINTED SENTENCES THAT DON’T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING IN RELATION TO EACH OTHER.
The rescue leaves them stranded on the wrong side of the city walls by the besieging army. Now they–and Casora’s mercenary band–are the only ones in a position to stop the invaders. Casora teaches Tiaran how to fight. His special knowledge of the enemy allows them to devise a plan that just might work. SAME AS THE ABOVE.
Even with Tiaran’s plan, the odds will be against them, but the situation becomes still more complicated for Casora. Now it’s more personal than defeating the enemy or freeing her people. Tiaran is the only one who’s ever called her curse a blessing or been able to calm her berserker rage. If she has a prayer of finding the serenity to conquer her curse, Casora must decide if she can believe that there’s any future for a battle-scarred warrior and a prince. NOW THIS IS GETTING BETTER… BUT THE “NOW IT’S MORE PERSONAL” SENTENCE DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. I’D LEAVE IT OUT COMPLETELY, BECAUSE THE PARAGRAPH READS BETTER WITHOUT IT.
FIRE AND EARTH is a 77,000-word young adult fantasy. IT WILL APPEAL TO Readers who liked Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING.
Thank you for your time.
First 150 words (more or less):
Casora stepped into the practice circle and grinned as she saluted her opponent. HMMM… FEELS LIKE YOU NEED MORE OF A HOOK HERE. The sword was not her best weapon, but the chance to spar with Marcian was too good to pass up. The only sanctioned time they could touch at all was during such training duels. Oh, they could hold hands occasionally, but anything more would have to wait until they’d completed their required service in the war band known as the Deathless.
Of course, there wouldn’t be much chance to touch in a sword match, either. HOWEVER, if she disarmed him, he could turn it into a wrestling match. He’d win, of course. Her speed and agility wouldn’t be much use against his size and strength in that kind of fight, but there’d be plenty of touching. Every inch of her skin tingled just at the thought.
Marcian returned her salute and took up his stance, giving her the first move.
I like the sound of your story. Just need to work on your query’s flow. 🙂
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Thanks.
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I loved your query and I loved your first 150 words. I know that’s not helpful, but when things are pretty near perfect, how can you improve them?
I wish I could say more, but I totally fell into Casora’s world and was disappointed when the 150 words ended.
Nice to meet you through GUTGAA!
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Your story sounds like a winner. And I like the first 150 words, but there is a lot of “could” & “would” in them. Maybe you could reword it to eliminate a few. Good luck with this.
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It looks like everyone pretty well touched on any issues… Maybe it’s nit-picky, I’m not sure, but the use of “of course” twice in one paragraph (in the 150 words) bothers me a tiny bit… But both sentences need them so… I’m not sure how to fix it, other than just to say, “He’d win.” I’m not sure what anyone else thinks… could be left as is, it’s up to you. All in all, a great premise. It sounds like a fun read. I’m very intrigued. Good job and good luck!
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Hmm. How many times have I read through this and I didn’t notice that? Thanks.
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Hi, stopping by from GUTGAA and reviewed your first 150 words. I like the tingles and the prospect of her feeling his skin. It is a mix of emotions, love/hate because of the duel and the sensation. I like that kind of conflict and it bears itself out at the end of the first 150 words. I’m just wondering if you could move it up so that the emotion comes out earlier. It is intriguing and leaves me wondering what will happen next. I like it very much. Thanks for the read…entertainment factor is great but moreso, I like the fact that it incites emotion. That leaves the reader invested.
Please stop by and provide me a critique if you can; I would really appreciate that.
Dr Margaret Aranda
http://www.drmargaretaranda.blogspot.com
http://www.girlpowerinamm.blogspot.com
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